


The Wreck of Our Hearts

by sunkwans



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Death, Angst, Comforting Tessa Gray, Crying Magnus Bane, F/M, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Jem is a gem, M/M, Past Character Death, Sad Magnus Bane, but a little, haha i'm punny, no happy ending, not really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 08:36:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11574417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunkwans/pseuds/sunkwans
Summary: Magnus feels loss likes he's never felt it before.He goes to the only person he knows that could comfort him.





	The Wreck of Our Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> i'm in the mood for angst and tears. sorry not sorry. 
> 
> this does not have a happy ending. alec doesn't magically come back. don't we wish, though. 
> 
> i'm being 100% honest, i cried through the entire thing. good luck. 
> 
> enjoy the pain, angels <3

Magnus didn't think he could stand being in the loft for one more minute. It had begun to feel suffocating. The tears wouldn't stop, and the pain wouldn't stop  _hurting_. Magnus felt like he was dying. Every time Magnus breathed, it was like getting the call from Isabelle all over again. 

A long time ago, Isabelle and Magnus had traded numbers just for this reason. Magnus didn't think that Isabelle would ever have to actually use the number, ever. Magnus knew that Alec wasn't immortal, that he would die. 

But Magnus didn't expect it so soon. 

 

_Magnus noticed how bright the day had began. The sun shone gold against Alec's blue eyes, making them sparkle so, so brightly._

_"I'll be back tonight," Alec assured, pecking Magnus on the lips gently._

_Magnus pouted against Alec's lips. "But I'm gonna be so bored today!"_

_"Call up our children. They love hearing from you."_

_Magnus waved that away. "We saw them last night, darling. They're going to think that we're becoming weird old parents if we talk to them too many times during the week. I don't want to be a weird old parent. Do you?"_

_Alec shrugged, and buckled his thigh holster. Him, Jace, Isabelle, Clary, and Simon were all going to a shax demon nest down in the Bronx, and Alec promised Magnus that there was minimal demonic activity. All five of them didn't even need to go. But, they all fought better together._

_Of course, when Magnus had asked to go, Alec said "_ _absolutely not."_

_"I don't really give a shit, honestly. At least they have our love and affection."_

_Magnus sighed, and flopped back onto the bed. "Be careful, my love."_

_"I will, baby. Don't worry. I'll see you tonight. I promise."_

_Alec gave Magnus one more kiss, and an I love you, before he was off on his mission._

_Magnus had fallen back asleep for thirty more minutes, before he was out of bed and off to make coffee. It seemed as if Alec had already made some. There was a sweet little sticky note taped onto Magnus' favorite coffee mug that had "BETTER THAN GANDALF" in sparkly letters._

_The note had Alec's mature writing on it. "Dear Magnus, I'll be thinking about you today :) Love you, Alec <3"_

_Magnus smiled, pulling off the sticky note and setting it on the counter while he made his coffee. Once Magnus' coffee was made, he grabbed the sticky note to put in his bed side table. Magnus kept all of Alec's little love notes in there, so that he could look at them when he missed Alec. It was very sappy, and if Alec ever found out Magnus might die of embarrassment._

_Magnus left his and Alec's shared room, mug in hand, and ventured off to the couch to sit in the sun like Chairman, and watch some ANTM reruns._

 

_Magnus must've dosed off, because he jolted awake at the sound of his phone trilling. Groggily Magnus reached for it, squinting his eyes against the bright sun. it was almost four pm._

_It was Isabelle calling. Immediately, Magnus woke up._

_"Hello?" Magnus said when he answered._

_"Magnus." Isabelle's voice came out as a sob, and Magnus barely even realized that he'd created the portal until it was swirling in front of him._

_"Where are you?" Magnus asked, his voice already breaking._

_Isabelle took a gasping breath. "We're at the institute."_

_Magnus hung up, and fell into the portal, his arms wrapped around himself._

 

_Magnus landed outside of the Institute, and when he saw Simon and Clary huddled together on the steps, Rafael between them, Magnus' heart fell to his feet._

_Magnus sprinted to the doors of the Institute._

_"Papa," Rafael sobbed out, even though he was a twenty-three year old. His face was red and splotchy, and his eyes were puffy. Tears were falling down his face like a water fall._

_Magnus glanced helplessly at Clary and Simon, and the first tears fell from Magnus' eyes when he noticed both of them crying as well, although they were quite obviously trying to keep it together._

_Magnus held Rafael in a hug, holding his son to his chest like a lifeline._

_Rafael sobbed into his fathers sweater. Rafael's hands gripped the material of the shirt, and he pulled away for a moment. Upon realizing that it was Alec's, Rafael fell on his knees, and Magnus couldn't stand it._

_"Let me see him," Magnus pleaded, to Clary or Simon, he didn't know._

_Clary and Simon shared a teary eyed glance, and seemed to have a conversation, like only_ parabatai _could, before Clary was pushing into the Institute. Simon stayed back, and pulled Rafael into his arms._

_Magnus didn't even wait for Clary to lead him. He sprinted right to the infirmary. Upon entering, Magnus barely made it to the bed before he was unable to stand any longer. He fell on his knees beside the bed, his head laid on the pillow right beside Alec's._

_Jace was sobbing too, Isabelle holding him. Isabelle's face was streaked with blood, dirt, and tears. Jace looked broken._

_Magnus tried to look through his tears at the man he loved. Alec's face was bloody, it matted in his black hair, and was all over his neck. Magnus saw scratches on Alec's abdomen, and his arms._

_"Oh, Alexander," Magnus said, touching Alec's hair with shaking hands._

_Magnus felt his breath catch in his throat, and he was sobbing right along with Jace. Magnus couldn't hold in the screams that tore at his throat, the pain from his heart exploding through him like a shaken cola bottle._

_Magnus screamed until he couldn't anymore, and he was reduced to whimpers, begging Alec to come back, to hug him again._

_Magnus felt hands wrap around him, and when he turned he was surprised to see Jace, kneeling beside him. Magnus wrapped himself around Jace, and together they grieved for the fallen Shadowhunter._

 

_Magnus felt empty. He refused to go back to the loft. He only stayed at Max's apartment, or the Institute. Magnus and Jace had become closer. Magnus knew that Jace's pain was terrible. That a part of his soul had been ripped away from him._

_Magnus could relate._

_Every time Magnus woke up, it was like seeing Alec's lifeless body again. And that was if Magnus could fall asleep. Which wasn't often._

_Magnus cursed every thing he knew. When he was alone, Magnus would scream at the walls, scream at the ceiling, cursing every angel by name. Magnus would lay in a ball, curled around himself._

_Magnus finally knew what real heartbreak felt like._

_Magnus felt like he was living without a vital part of him. Like he was living without his heart. Like he was a man with a mouth but no voice. A man with eyes but no sight._

_A man with a heart but no beats._

_Max and Rafael hadn't left each others sides. They'd tried to comfort Magnus, but the only person that could really reassure him was Jace._

_Jace knew exactly what he was feeling._

 

 

Magnus decided that he would go visit Tessa. Whenever she lost Will, he had been there to hold her in Paris. He'd cared for her when she was broken. 

Magnus figured that he was broken beyond repair, but there was only one way to find out. 

Magnus got Catarina to create him a portal to London, as he was too weak to do it on his own. Of course, Magnus could. But it was hard. 

Rafael and Max knew that this is what their Papa needed. That Magnus needed someone who knew him before Alec. They weren't angry at Magnus. How could they be? Magnus had lost the love of his very long life. 

 

When Magnus entered in front of the London Institute, Tessa and Jem were there waiting. They were both talking soberly, both of their faces solemn. Magnus landed in a crouch, before standing straight, and immediately falling into Tessa's embrace. 

Magnus wasn't surprised when the tears began to fall from his eyes earnestly, and he wasn't surprised when Jem came and pulled both of them into a hug. 

Magnus missed Alec more and more with each passing day. Magnus remembered when he'd told Will, still to this day.  _"You endure what is unbearable, and you bear it. That is all."_

It wasn't easy to do. Magnus felt that with each breath he took, he would break again. Like a fragile piece of glass, tipping off of the edge of a table. It was so much pain. Magnus still felt Alec's whispers against his skin like burning flames, could feel Alec's fingers trace mindless nothings into his back. Magnus lived with the ghosts of Alec's memories, the times that they'd spent loving each other. 

Magnus hurt, yes. But he remembered too. 

Every moment that him and Alec spent together, Magnus remembered. From their first kiss, to their first date, to the first time that they'd made love, hidden beneath the moon and stars. 

Each night, Magnus tucked himself into the memory of Alec's arms around him. 

But every morning, Magnus awoke cold without Alec's warmth, awoke unsteady without Alec's heartbeat pounding against him. 

So Magnus allowed Tessa and Jem to hold him. To whisper comfort into his ears. 

It didn't get better. It didn't get bearable. 

It fucking hurt, and Magnus was scared to be alone. 

Magnus was scared to forget. Forget the blue of Alec's eyes. Forget how Alec's mouth shaped Magnus' name. How when Jace did or said something dumb, Alec would roll his eyes like a teenager and slap Jace in the back of the head. How Alec held Max and Rafael when they had nightmares. 

Magnus was scared to forget his and Alec's wedding. Their first dance. Jace, Clary, Isabelle, and Simon's speeches. How the dark gold of Alec's suit made his blue eyes  _stunning._  

Magnus was afraid that he'd never feel love again. 

**Author's Note:**

> while writing this, a ruelle song came on. (i get to love you) and i started bawling. why ruelle, why?! take that as my token of apology. 
> 
> i know it sucks to think that one day, our fav gay shadow boy (one of them, at least) won't be here to be with our fav freewheeling bisexual warlock. it hurts to think about. so why not write about it?
> 
> of course, kudos & comments are welcome. 
> 
> all the love, angels <3
> 
> p.s. follow me on twitter @salyersbaby and we can talk about that new trailer for shadowhunters :'(


End file.
